M’Histoire: A Handful

Cupped Hand

At church today, I was singing in the choir, like always. I had trouble paying attention to Mass – my mind kept wandering. I had glanced at the readings beforehand, so had an idea what to expect, so wasn't too terribly disoriented when I snapped back into focus. At one point, towards the end of Mass, I started really noticing myself singing — what it feels like in the throat, the sinuses, the reverberation, the projection, the resonance, the diaphragm, the dynamics, the ebb and flow and rise and fall of the musical line. And I thought, how much longer do I have to do this?

I could have kicked myself. I know, I know, I know that this is probably NOT cancer. I know if it was cancer it would be so rare and unusual they'd probably want to write it up as an article. As I said in an earlier post, you go with the most likely and common explanation that fits the available facts, while at the same time excluding the high cost dangerous alternatives. This is most likely a benign bone tumor. The docs aren't actually that worried about the bone bump. I'm the one who is worried about it. I've been worried about it ever since it appeared, roughly 15 years ago. You figure if it was going to do something nasty, it would have done it by now. On the other hand, benign bone tumors (osteochondromas) often convert to malignant ones (cancerous, in this case chondrosarcoma) as they age. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Brain is playing pingpong – bounce, volley, bounce, volley. Even though I know perfectly well there is no cause to worry, I can't stop myself from worrying. I do most of the time, with the operative word being "most." 

A good friend stopped me on the way out of the church, asked me how things were going. I haven't told very many folk there, not even a handful. We talked a bit. Same stuff I said up above. Told him about rescheduling for mid-March. Told him I want to get someone to take a pic of the bump before it disappears. Yeah, it's that big. I could "flash" folk, and it would be visible from talking distance, but, I don't know, thought flashing my big open mouth at folk might be not so cool. He chuckled, so I bet I was right. 

I thought, hmmm, it is probably time to warn the choir director that I may or may not be around for Easter. So told him the briefest basics. There, that makes a handful. 🙂